"Theres always money in the banana stand"

What a nothing week, the days sought of roll into one big haze of bollocks at the moment i couldnt have told you if it was tuesday or friday this week and honestly i really didnt care because they were all the same, work work work sleep sleep sleep ,

Besides friday when i droppen in to ole big bogan B.C's place for friday night catch up with the lads, which mostly consisted of everyone else watching brian play video games and laughing at his mum's careless use of the word pussy when talking to there cat who incidently has no nose!! But i also received a piece of huge news.. senor quicky the mangler is leaving our fair shores to dip his toes in the icy waters of canada for 12 months.. and he leaves in the next couple of months. I dont know why he's leaving our little piece of paradise to hang out with people who cant even say "about" and who's currency is called the " loony" but hey i think i'm just jealous cos i'm dieing to just pack it all up and head to another country for a bit as well. My sense of adventure is clawing away at my insides but at the moment it will have to lay dorment .. maybe in a couple of months i'll go on a holiday some where .. but anyway big cheerz to the quicksta may he return safely to our loving arms soon , trips to a bar called barrys just wont be the same with out his trademark dance moves to chers " if i can turn back time" hopefully he takes tose traditions with him and spreads them into a world wide phenomonom , anythings better than that fuckin crocodile song!!

Speaking of which has the whole world gone musicly retarded since when did a fuckin cartoon frog pretending to be a motorbike and a baby crocodile singing in german become to 20 music material??? Next it's going to be the sounds of the sleeping elderly! " Hey man have you heard the new one from old man johnson?, got a wicked snore track man and that bit where he mumbles something about toast ... i can so realte to that shit"
It's fuckin bullshit!!! As bill hicks would say the whole industry is full of ppl willing to suck satans cock for a bit of cash and exposure PLAY FROM YOUR HEART YOU FUCKS!!!

Anyway theres not alot mroe from me Jazzcats tip of the week this week is a book i got given for christmas called "found" it's all excerts from a magazine of the same name in the states about notes etc ppl have found all over the world some really funny and interesting stuff from the last four decades includig childrens letters about the assaination of kennedy and various writings that were found during the L.A riots and after september 11 as well as some funny shit that ppl have left on dickheads car windows , if you get the chance borrow it from the library or just borrow it from me , it's worth a flick through

Now it's to time scrounge through the net and find something to do tonight as my week has been filled with cooking and bogan comments and i need some sought of stimulating entertainment , so i dont transform into lleyton hewitt ..

hasa samalenka brothers
Jazzcat

CONNEX: Making my life one giant pub story for five years!!

A guy died in the carriage of my train tonight.. had a heart attack or something and by the sounds of the guy trying to help him it wasnt lookin good even before the ambo's got there...Poor Bastard..

But this kind of stuff happens to me on public transport all the time.I've been catching the trains and buses to and from work for the last 4 years and i've seen more shit on the melbourne public transport system in four short years than most people see in there entire lives!!

I've seen people shagging , had a lady ask me for the apprently invisible bowl of cream i was holding because she was low in sugar than proceded to yell at a match to light, i've seen ppl get bashed and stabbed ,i've broken up a fight between a couple of taxi drivers whowere bashing a guy then the stupid bastard started throwing hay makers at me!! then i got jumper punched by the driver as well, i've witnessed and inpromtu freestlye rap battle over a stolen flinders street loud speaker and had to read my book out loud for the entire way home to an aboriginal lady who couldnt read and i've watched a magic show on the last train with an old business man and a guy who just got out of jail 3 days previous and had prison tats and bandaged knuckles and in recent times i've had the police barge into my carriage two days after the london bombings to inspect a suspicious bag...and thats just some of the crap that pops into my head!!..

It all turns into a great story for the lads at the pub later on at night but i swear to god i must have some sought of fate turning device inbeded in my skull , because im sure this god damm public transport system is going to be the death of me, look out for headline reading " Melbourne youth savaged by radioactive ferrets hiding in connex train roof , child actor gary coleman tries to come to aid of youth but even though gary is 5th dan jiu jitsu master is overcome by ferrets and perishes , the youth and gary will be burried in the same casket at a small service on saturday" It's the only logical conclusion

i also saw rock school last night which is basicly about a school for little kids to learn how to rock out, its full of rapping mormons and a 10 year old who belts out a five minute zappa solo that would make hendrix cry, check it out if the power of rock compels you !!

Connex appologises for making your life hell in anyway!!

Jazzcat

YOUR A GIRL , IM A GIRL EYYYYYYYY!!!!

Oh what a night, last night was something straight out of a teenage comedy !! There was "A" material happening at regular intervels , most of it was in some way connected to j dogg but hey when he's on fire that boy is on FIRE!!.

Who else has had a radom chick affectionatly named "elektra" mount them rub there boobs in there face and proceed to make out with them while there friends hooted and hollared like drunken red necks at a cheerleader convention.. i thik the fact that we told her that j dogg was an ex air force pilot might have gave him the slightest leg up the scond time she came for a chat but then starting conversation with her stone cold steve austin look alike "friend "most likely about drunken tom foolery probly didnt help old fly boys case and Stone cold probly dragged poor elektra out of there and laid the spousal smack down cos j doggs to much of a maverick , You've got to learn to keep these missions confidential dude dont tell the wasted hussys giant boyfriend what u just did to his girl.. Me and the rest of the lads were limbering up on the dance floor ready to save the day but hey...

The rest of the night was pretty much , jordan drinking tequila, then hiding in a pile of vomit in the toiliets then bustin out shouting wooooooooooooo and dancing around in circles, me and t-nugg pulling rock goblets to belinda carlile and quicky trying to fend of lowly gutter trash and also me scampering away from a rotund girl in a tight top who came up behind me and tried to lift off my t shirt rubbed my blistering abs ( HA) and shoved her hand in the front of my pants , i then run off and sulked about feeling violated, now i know how girls feel when dirty bogans feel them up..

The rest is a blur, there was another bar with crap beer and some how we got into crwon where i spelt my name with to many r's and a messy scribble of other constanents and we stalked around for a bit ate maccas breakfast then i somehow ended up at home with a lot less money than i started with... An adventure fit for spielburg

Just on a side note thanks to the kid and kate -o for the lift there, hope you enjoyed the views and free beer, i'm a man with many connectionS HEHE

This is also i new part called JAZZ CATS PICK OF THE WEEK.. where i can say what im diggin this week.And this weeks topic is a band called "The Mountain goats" fantastic accoustic rock duo with lyrics that i think compares them to a simon and garfunkal of the new millenium .Deep thought provoking stuff sung with a unique voice and a fantasic rustic type sound of there early performings. They're touring in september and me and a few of the lads will be there boppin along and badda ba ba ba fellin groovy . Vheck them out if youve got time, A song called "cubs in five" is what won me over to the goat side.

Anyway i'm out might go see Rock school and catch a bite of fine italian with me lady friend tnght

we built this city y'all
Jazzcat

Captain Dork - Queller of evil ,Do-er of justice ...Robber of Homies??

Well the party was fun.. i magically transformed into a super hero named captain dork , who's super powers included 4th level magicain in D&D, and the ability to kick you bitch ass while speaking fluent klingon! BEESHHHPACK ARWARK PILAMLLIWER!

But i've takin my powers for granted, and used them for evil.
While me and the rest of Justice league ( Bundi man, Half arsed super man, and Captain Pedophile ) were turfing and evil do-er gate crasher from our headquarters i accidently tore his pimpin silver necklace from around his neck and decided to pocket it.
Now at the time i was rather intoxicated and preceded to do a jig over the spoils of batlle and received many high fives from all involved and compliments for thwarting evil yet again.But then Captain Dorks biggest weakness kicked in afterwards ..
Guilt-a-nite ..arggggrhhh!!!..

All i could think of the next day was " hey that kid was a tool , but what happened if his mother gave him the chain on her death bed professing her love for him and telling him it will forever incase her soul" or it was was the last thing his poor granny could afford to give him on his birthday before she went up to join grandpa god rest his soul" I know that these things are very unlikely and the more logical notion is he rolled some other kid for the chain or he got it from wanni market for $7.50 but still it's eating me up inside, why do i always feel sorry for dickheads , i think when i was born god must have been worried i was going to use my powers for evil and gave me a super consience cos i always seem to get into situations where i'm helping ppl or trying to at least and many times it results in me getting into some sort of trouble or getting jumper punched in the lip! God dammit ... if only i could be more evil .. ahh well if i see the kid again ill buy him a bucket of KFC or somethin.

up , up and away
Jazzcat

BOOK 7 : HARRY POTTER AND THE REVENGE OF THE EGYPTIAN MIDGET

HUGE night last night...and it was really not sposed to work out like that .. got wankered at a friends from works place with the ole stunkcock then went and danced up a drunken storm in the city. I also succesfully managed to insult my friends room mate by telling her " i have no fuckin clue what your talking about" and " Your not what i expected you to be, mandy said you were the nice one...no not like that i mean like sound of music ,virginal nice...ok ill shut up now" haha good times. Then woke up with a bitchin hangover and had a breakfast that took 25 mins to cook and was delivered by a lady that looked like fran dreshers grandma on the nanny and there was also a child screaming " Mummy look at my foot" and a crazy lady who looked like jimmy page from led zepplin crossed with steve tyler from aerosmith ...This was wayyyy to much to much for me and the fistah so we bailed and got stuck in traffic in box hill and went and got a copy of the new harry potter book. God damm ppl like the harry , if he was real he'd be knee deep in the ladies i tell you what.. i bet u that kid who plays him gets laid 30 times a day and has a fonzie esque click system whenever he wasnts a blowjob. God i wish i was a talented boy wizard

Anyway the olds are away and i got the crib all to myself with a 3 day weekend , doesnt get much better than that. Headin over to senorita beccstars place tonight to crash an 18th b day( well i was invited but..) should be a hoot and half, we'll teach these youngsters a thing or two !! anyway time to get stuck into harry and a toasted cheese sanger. Tip for the day: Dont let security guards take photos of you while your badly hungover and lining up to by a childrens book !

Keepin it real
Jazzcat

Kevin Arnold loves Winnie Cooper take 2

I Just spent about half an hour writing a post about how the wonder years was sposed to give us an insight into a beautiful love story and family setting but was really full of crap. It was full of clever little puns and suggestions on how winnie and kevin and his nerdy mate norbert or whatever his name was could lead more forfilling lives away from each other

And my computer ate it!

I guess the world just isnt ready for such radical thoughts on how to improve t.v familys!

My conclusion is that they've got some sort of internet censorship board monitoring the internet at all times and iv'e broken one of they're cardinal rules

" pshhhhtt.. Ahh hey bob we've got a problem here some guy from australia is bagging out fred savage and saying he shouldve gone to amsterdam after college and banged swedish day nurses he also goes on to say that winnie should have joined the frat party circuit and made home movies that would eventually come back to haunt her state senator husband and made some reference to doogie being a witch doctor..over"

" Ye gods Tod i based my whole life on the teachings of Doogieism..Take him out pssshhhht over"

God damm you bob and Tod why must you censor my thoughts on t.v familys its gotten to real for you hasnt it fellas well heres the hard truth are you ready for it ...

MR AND MRS BRADY WERE REALY *$%^##%#^^$# IN THERE FREE TIME AND CYNDI WAS CAUGHT *(&^%^%$&^$*ING PETER WHILE BOBBI WATCHED

what the... God damm you Bob and Tod the people have a right to know man THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! .....

Jesus im full of shit

VIVA LA REVOLUTION
Jazzcat

Price is right models : Robots or Larrys coked out henchmen?

Been continuing on my never ending journey towards a complete and utter mental and physical breakdown by working a 7 day week this week. I'm fairly sure that by the end of the year im just goin to be sitting on a porch somewhere in the deep south with a blanket over my lap disheveled hair and a packet of fish hooks rockin back and forth and reciting the recipe for the perfect chocolate soufle while brian plays the music for deliverance on his banjo behind me, and local school students will have competitions to see who has enough balls to knock on old man jazzcats door . Ahh where will it all end..

On a lighter note i was rather surprised to be getting on the train home on saturday night and casually staring out the window while singing "streets of philidalphia " in my head as it generally makes the trip more surreal and makes me feel like im in this major dramatic part of an art house movie when i look at the platform opposite me and was greeted with 3 sets of boobs being flashed by wasted chicks on a hens night! Wasted breast flashing middle aged woman are what makes this country great if you ask me .

The rest of the night was pretty much a big sdchmozzle getting to brookes b day and seeing everyone wankered and singing backstreet boys songs made me die a little inside , especially seeing my more "punk then thou" friend panigan requesting stop by the spice girls and t- nugg belting out tubthumping , thank fgod for me and the quicky the manglers duet of sonia daddas " lover lover" or all wouldve been lost and i woulve spiralded into a depression i probly would have never recovered from , seeing my girlfriend belt out boy bands songs with gusto truly crushed the little boy inside of me and made me realise that the world really is a big bad place and yes the ones close to me like the music of nick carter as long as they've had enough to drink, it was a harsh reality to learn but i guess this is growing up, and i think im stronger for it..

I've also been watching alot of spike lees movies. In my opion he truly is a genius of film and i've never seen a director use still images so effectively as him and get such a strong message across in such a short time . Anyone who's interested it's mainly films about problems affecting black society and almost always set in new york and stars the who's who of american black actors, I'd recomend Bamboozled , 25th hour,clockers and jungle fever as probly my favourite of his stuff. check it out if you give a fuck

Untell next time kids,eat your greens and take your vitamins
Jazzcat OUT!

Whats so funny bout peace, love and understanding?

I turned on the t.v last night after watching several hilarious episodes of scrubs ( i never realised how awesome this show is , if anyone has an extra $25 bucks pick up the first season at JB) and saw the situation in london. I've always thought of my self as a pretty optimistic and liberal minded kinda fellow but now you really cant turn on the news without seeing some sought of mass genocide or terroist act , and it kinda got me thinking its only a ammount of time before this bullshit affects me directly. Now i know this is sposed to be the whole purpose of terrorism to breed fear in ppl so they're scared to come out of there houses and it still disgusts me that ppl still blame and and entire ppl for the actions of an extremem few , i hear racism more and more today than i ever have in my entire life but the scariest thing of all is....it really doesnt shock me anymore.. i can think back 4 years ago and if this kinda thing happened i wouldve been shocked to my very core, but now i turned the t.v on and all i could muster was..."shit"

New york,bali ,beslan, madrid,iraq the list goes on and the worst thing is people are just getting used to it, it was hardly a 5 minute conversation around the coffee table this morning ,this is a terrosrist attack in one of our sister countrys and all it grants is a nation wide ..." shit". It's almost like we've become desensitised to real acts of violence as much as we have on t.v , thats fuckin sad man.

Heres to keepin chins up ,raising fists and not letting this become another backdrop of our lives
cheerz
your friendly neighbourhood jazzcat

NOW IT'S TIME FOR " ARE YOU THE ULTIMATE ROCK GOD" DING DING DING !!!

Larry-ok jazzcat welcome to " are you the ultimate rock god"
ME- thanks larry glad to be here
Larry- i hear your somewhat of the music fan and consider yourself in the know in most aspects of the music world
Me- i sure do larry
Larry - Ok then jazzcat here is the first question in proving you are "the ultimate rock god"
Me- sock it to me you pint sized adonis
Larry- Do u own ...Dark side of the moon a must for all music fans
Me- errr...no
Larry- ok then... How many led zepplin albums do you own
Me- ummmm...( counts fingers) none..
Larry - ( under the breath loser cough) well thanks for playing heres a copy of patula clarks greatest hits now get off the stage before i break your pelvis with my axe !
Larry wails out 16 minute solo mainly played with teeth on flaming fender strat while jazzcat gets hit on by mark holden back stage NOOOOOO!!!

I realised today while listening to a long haired hippy explain to some lady in a business suit why dark side of the moon changed musicial history that i consider myself somewhat of the rock coniseur but i own no zepplin or pink floyd albums ... so i decided to change this stat so i hit dragonfly records on elizabeth st ( which has all c.ds under $15) and got some classic including the fore mentioned as well as some velvet underground and huey lewis and the news ( dont you dare say the 80's isnt cool) .

i now believe that i have made it up to larry and myself and all is right with the universe again...phew..

no i will not hold your hand holden , got back to ogling marcia hines in the add breaks and sneaking gullible australian idol fans back to your dressing room with the promise of meeting Callea , stick to what you know baby! , and ill stick to rockin out owwwwwww

PEACE , LOVE AND ROCK'N'ROLL BABY
jAZZCAT

Isn't bjork that guy from ABBA?


Big bad ricky zucco's birthdat festivities continued this weekend cos he's a low down party animal! That boys the white australian shaft, the ladys just cant get enough of the fistah! .

One thing i can say for my mates is that we're a force to be reakoned with in large groups, we had a drunken mob roaming brunswick last night that would put the L.A riots to shame and after a minimal session we headed to our second home the gay mecca "a called Barrys" but at this stage i was way to knackerd to be bothered doing anything.. so i spent most of the time enjoying the company of my boys except for a brief boogie in honour of our 80's legend future chunk to Like a prayer by madonna ..

The thing i like about weekends now is there so full of sheananigans , and this is probly the only thing that keeps me kickin on through my mammoth weeks of work that and my girl who is currently beltin out madonna tunes in the shower ( thats my girl sniff ) .

Anyway might have to sample some of war of the worlds today hopefully tom doesnt jump on to many couch's on it.. but i still have to distict feeling that im going to walk away from this interested in joining scientology , i'm sure tom has filled the movies choc a bloc with subliminal messages warning me of the iminent arrival of our outer space masters and the amazing acting abilities of katie holmes YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

so i leave you with a thought for the day
Has anyone actually heard any of bob geldofs music? and is he actually a clone of bob dylan minus the musical skill and sexy husky voice

love you long time
Jazzcat

p.s Wonderrrr womannn ( insert pauly shore weasel scream) thats for you thao hahaha